Bye bye

Tonight we learnt that I indeed miscarried when the bleeding happened. Ozzie has left the building. We have both been very sad and cried an awful lot tonight. We had so hoped for good news and were so ready to welcome a baby into our lives.

The sadness will go away eventually. What remains is the knowledge that nature had to make a call, so that we wouldn't have to at a later stage. That gives me some piece of mind.
It also means we know I can get pregnant (and fast). So I'm sure there will be new attempts.

Until then I'm closing this blog. I want to look forward instead of back. But I do want you all to know I appreciate all the good wishes, crossing of ligaments and lovely messages I got over the past couple of weeks. It has been so helpful and reassuring to know I have such a close circle of friends. Thank you guys, from the bottom of my heart.

Can someone forward time please?

Tomorrow is the day of the ultrasound. The past week has been pretty normal and I haven’t really been occupied by thougths about it. But since yesterday it is creeping back into my mind. Not really strange, since it is getting closer, but very confusing once again. I keep going back and forth in my mind about the things I feel.
Yesterday I got a bit emotional about it, because I can’t seem to explain what it feels like to feel one thing, but not feel ready or able to really trust that feeling. I’m so afraid of being fooled by my body. Rationally I know all the signs are there. Rationally I don’t have any doubts. The facts are so obvious and clear.
It’s just emotionally that I don’t seem to be able to trust my body. I know that on the outside that is really hard to understand. It’s even more difficult to explain it. But it feels very lonely to be the only one understanding it.

So yeah, I’ll be very happy when things are over and done with after tomorrow night. At least I’ll know where we stand. Only two scenarios possibles. Either I am or I’m not pregnant
In the first case I think we will both cry of happiness. I will be able to trust my body again, having been reassured that I wasn’t wrong in what I felt. Finally be able to talk to people about it. It has been really strange to not talk to my mom about this all
In the second scenario I also predict a lot of tears. We both have been so happy with this news and are so ready to start a family. But like I’ve said before, at least we’ll know. And we will deal with it, no matter how sad we’ll be.

So in a little over 24 hours things will be more clear. I have never, ever wanted 24 hours to pass by more quickly than I do today...

Night on the town

We took Ozzie to his/her first concert last night. Too bad though he/she doesn't have any ears yet :-)

But it was great to be out and about again. Met up with one of J's best friends for drinks first and a bite to eat after. His comment when we left 'my god, you two are viral' Heehee. I guess we are!

The concert was great. Young Dutch jazz singer/musician. Can't wait to get Ozzie familiar with the music we like. We walked past a toy shop where they had a mini piano in the window for kids. Might just have to get one of those in the not so distant future :-)

Wednesday night, after work, we'll know more about how long Ozzie has been with us and if he/she is still there. But like I've said this week, there are more signs Ozzie is still here than there are not. Four more nights of crossed fingers left!

Listening to the signs of my body

(and I just realised this is from a Shakira song as well)

And I just can't ignore the signs my body is giving me. There are so much more signs indicating I am pregnant, than there are that I'm not. It's hard not to get hopeful and optimistic. I never thought I'd be happy to have sore and swollen boobs and waves of nausea throughout the day. Today was the first day I had somewhat of an appetite, which is a nice change. But it is still no where near my normal standards.

I went for a walk today, because it was such a beautiful spring day. It's hard not to get happy from sunny days like this. I feel calm, more sure of my body and hopeful that next week will bring nothing but good news. I know that also means that the blow will be even harder if the news is bad. But at the moment I'm willing to take that chance.

And thank you so much for all your good wishes, thoughts and prayers (you know who you are!). They (still) mean the world to me.

Another good day

Today has been a really, really good day. Somehow I've managed to turn the switch from extremely anxious to relatively calm. I've decided that until someone tells me otherwise I'm pregnant. And somehow that has really calmed me down. That and the fact that my body is giving me so many signals that indicate in that direction.

My boobs have been sore like hell today. They look bigger, even though I've lost that weight. Which normally first vanishes from my chest. My smell is still immaculate. And even though I had somewhat more of an appetite today, I still don't crave any of the stuff I normally can't live without. (haven't had a coffee in a week!!)

So yeah, this feels way better than yesterday. It also helped me to focus on work more, which is also good because I've got quite a hectic schedule this week. Let's just hope that my body (and/or mind) isn't fooling me with all these signals and that come next week the news will be as great as the weather is going to be the next couple of days.

In between worlds

I’m feeling very in between two worlds at the moment. I went back to work this morning, but feel like I’m only physically there and my mind is in a completely different world. It is so hard to focus. I keep going back in my head to the moment of Friday, when the bleeding started. What can I do to find reassurance or knowledge about the state of my body at the moment??

As I’ve said before, if I know I’ve miscarried at least I can deal with that fact and move on. Not knowing until next week is really driving me crazy. Because what if I still am pregnant? That would be so utterly and insanely perfect and so welcome and everything. I want to be happy about that fact and not worried the entire day.

I feel that I’m so closely watching for signs for either answer.
I still smell really really well – yep, I’m still pregnant
My boobs feel less sore today – guess that means I’m not pregnant anymore

And to top things off my insides have decided to have a party today. So I’m nauseous and have diarrhea, which is even more confusing. Although I do tend to react to stress this way, so I guess it’s not that strange my body is reacting the way it is. It feels like a roller coaster though...

I’ve even come to the point that I want to take another test again. Even though I’m not sure how useful that is and if the outcome is reliable what so ever. But the not doing anything and just waiting is driving me nuts!

What can I do to not have my head spinning all the time? How can I find peace in the fact that I will not know until mid next week? How can I trust my body at the moment? Someone tell me please!

normal day

today has been the first some what normal day since we found out this Tuesday that I'm pregnant. We told J's brother this afternoon and they were so excited for us. It felt really strange to tell, considering all that has happened. But on the other hand it is also something we both together said we'd do. Even if the outcome in two weeks time is different. We also want them to know in that case. It also keeps this all real, instead of sticking our heads in the sand for the next couple of weeks.

And the thing is, I still feel very pregnant. Sore boobs, no appetite, tired like you wouldn't belief, immaculate smell, peeing all the time. The works! If I still am? Fingers crossed!