Bye bye

Tonight we learnt that I indeed miscarried when the bleeding happened. Ozzie has left the building. We have both been very sad and cried an awful lot tonight. We had so hoped for good news and were so ready to welcome a baby into our lives.

The sadness will go away eventually. What remains is the knowledge that nature had to make a call, so that we wouldn't have to at a later stage. That gives me some piece of mind.
It also means we know I can get pregnant (and fast). So I'm sure there will be new attempts.

Until then I'm closing this blog. I want to look forward instead of back. But I do want you all to know I appreciate all the good wishes, crossing of ligaments and lovely messages I got over the past couple of weeks. It has been so helpful and reassuring to know I have such a close circle of friends. Thank you guys, from the bottom of my heart.

Can someone forward time please?

Tomorrow is the day of the ultrasound. The past week has been pretty normal and I haven’t really been occupied by thougths about it. But since yesterday it is creeping back into my mind. Not really strange, since it is getting closer, but very confusing once again. I keep going back and forth in my mind about the things I feel.
Yesterday I got a bit emotional about it, because I can’t seem to explain what it feels like to feel one thing, but not feel ready or able to really trust that feeling. I’m so afraid of being fooled by my body. Rationally I know all the signs are there. Rationally I don’t have any doubts. The facts are so obvious and clear.
It’s just emotionally that I don’t seem to be able to trust my body. I know that on the outside that is really hard to understand. It’s even more difficult to explain it. But it feels very lonely to be the only one understanding it.

So yeah, I’ll be very happy when things are over and done with after tomorrow night. At least I’ll know where we stand. Only two scenarios possibles. Either I am or I’m not pregnant
In the first case I think we will both cry of happiness. I will be able to trust my body again, having been reassured that I wasn’t wrong in what I felt. Finally be able to talk to people about it. It has been really strange to not talk to my mom about this all
In the second scenario I also predict a lot of tears. We both have been so happy with this news and are so ready to start a family. But like I’ve said before, at least we’ll know. And we will deal with it, no matter how sad we’ll be.

So in a little over 24 hours things will be more clear. I have never, ever wanted 24 hours to pass by more quickly than I do today...

Night on the town

We took Ozzie to his/her first concert last night. Too bad though he/she doesn't have any ears yet :-)

But it was great to be out and about again. Met up with one of J's best friends for drinks first and a bite to eat after. His comment when we left 'my god, you two are viral' Heehee. I guess we are!

The concert was great. Young Dutch jazz singer/musician. Can't wait to get Ozzie familiar with the music we like. We walked past a toy shop where they had a mini piano in the window for kids. Might just have to get one of those in the not so distant future :-)

Wednesday night, after work, we'll know more about how long Ozzie has been with us and if he/she is still there. But like I've said this week, there are more signs Ozzie is still here than there are not. Four more nights of crossed fingers left!

Listening to the signs of my body

(and I just realised this is from a Shakira song as well)

And I just can't ignore the signs my body is giving me. There are so much more signs indicating I am pregnant, than there are that I'm not. It's hard not to get hopeful and optimistic. I never thought I'd be happy to have sore and swollen boobs and waves of nausea throughout the day. Today was the first day I had somewhat of an appetite, which is a nice change. But it is still no where near my normal standards.

I went for a walk today, because it was such a beautiful spring day. It's hard not to get happy from sunny days like this. I feel calm, more sure of my body and hopeful that next week will bring nothing but good news. I know that also means that the blow will be even harder if the news is bad. But at the moment I'm willing to take that chance.

And thank you so much for all your good wishes, thoughts and prayers (you know who you are!). They (still) mean the world to me.

Another good day

Today has been a really, really good day. Somehow I've managed to turn the switch from extremely anxious to relatively calm. I've decided that until someone tells me otherwise I'm pregnant. And somehow that has really calmed me down. That and the fact that my body is giving me so many signals that indicate in that direction.

My boobs have been sore like hell today. They look bigger, even though I've lost that weight. Which normally first vanishes from my chest. My smell is still immaculate. And even though I had somewhat more of an appetite today, I still don't crave any of the stuff I normally can't live without. (haven't had a coffee in a week!!)

So yeah, this feels way better than yesterday. It also helped me to focus on work more, which is also good because I've got quite a hectic schedule this week. Let's just hope that my body (and/or mind) isn't fooling me with all these signals and that come next week the news will be as great as the weather is going to be the next couple of days.

In between worlds

I’m feeling very in between two worlds at the moment. I went back to work this morning, but feel like I’m only physically there and my mind is in a completely different world. It is so hard to focus. I keep going back in my head to the moment of Friday, when the bleeding started. What can I do to find reassurance or knowledge about the state of my body at the moment??

As I’ve said before, if I know I’ve miscarried at least I can deal with that fact and move on. Not knowing until next week is really driving me crazy. Because what if I still am pregnant? That would be so utterly and insanely perfect and so welcome and everything. I want to be happy about that fact and not worried the entire day.

I feel that I’m so closely watching for signs for either answer.
I still smell really really well – yep, I’m still pregnant
My boobs feel less sore today – guess that means I’m not pregnant anymore

And to top things off my insides have decided to have a party today. So I’m nauseous and have diarrhea, which is even more confusing. Although I do tend to react to stress this way, so I guess it’s not that strange my body is reacting the way it is. It feels like a roller coaster though...

I’ve even come to the point that I want to take another test again. Even though I’m not sure how useful that is and if the outcome is reliable what so ever. But the not doing anything and just waiting is driving me nuts!

What can I do to not have my head spinning all the time? How can I find peace in the fact that I will not know until mid next week? How can I trust my body at the moment? Someone tell me please!

normal day

today has been the first some what normal day since we found out this Tuesday that I'm pregnant. We told J's brother this afternoon and they were so excited for us. It felt really strange to tell, considering all that has happened. But on the other hand it is also something we both together said we'd do. Even if the outcome in two weeks time is different. We also want them to know in that case. It also keeps this all real, instead of sticking our heads in the sand for the next couple of weeks.

And the thing is, I still feel very pregnant. Sore boobs, no appetite, tired like you wouldn't belief, immaculate smell, peeing all the time. The works! If I still am? Fingers crossed!

Fortnight

The bleeding seems to have stopped early this afternoon. We went to see our friends and she offered to do an ultrasound in a week and a half to see if Ozzie is still there or if I did indeed miscarry.

You know, as I've said before. If Ozzie is not there, at least I'll know. I can comfort myself in the fact that nature made this call, so that I wouldn't have to. And I can accept that. Even though I will feel very sad.

But at this point it's the insecurity that is killing me. The not knowing whether or not I'm still pregnant. If this was just a freak accident and that all is still fine. Or that indeed I'm not pregnant anymore. At least in the latter I know that I can get pregnant. And can get pregnant fast.

I guess we'll know more in a fortnight... Keep them crossed in the meantime if you will

Strange

What is really strange is that if I hadn't taken that test earlier this week I would have sworn that my period would have finally found it's way out.

But I did take a test and I don't want this to be my period or something else and I still have no freakin' clue how to get any certainty at this point.

Hopefully our friends can help a bit. We're seeing J's best friend later today and his wife is an obgyn. I hope she won't mind me asking her a whole bunch of questions. I hope she can tell me a bit about what is normal in a situation like this. Because otherwise it will have me worried the rest of the weekend and that can't be good either.

update

The bleeding seems to have stopped. I just went to the bathroom and there was nothing there afterwards. I'm not relieved yet. I want to make sure it stays away. Yet I know there is also not a freakin' thing I can do about it.

Instead of a night with a friend with movie and a pizza, I'm now spending it with J. And happily so. I want to be near him more than anything at this point!

another update
I just called them again. I lost a really big (1cm) cloth just now and freaked out. I had to describe it to her and she said it sounded like a blood cloth of old blood. I explained to her I have been coughing all week and she said that that could well be the reason for this all. I am so relieved that I can call them and that they are being so nice and friendly to me. It really makes the world of difference! I asked her what could be signs of miscarriage and she said really heavy cramps would be a sign. I haven't had those. So as long as those stay away I'll be happy.

Last update for today
It still hasn't stopped and I really don't know what to think. Everyone around is telling me to keep the faith. I want to. I really do.

Ignorance sucks!

They called me back and were really sweet and comforting. It still can be nothing. The fact that I'm not having cramps and stuff is supposed to be a good sign. The color of the blood says nothing, but she said it could be a number of things. It does seem to have gotten less, although there are tiny cloths now and that doesn't ease my mind very much, but I'm trying not to worry too much for now.

J was awfully sweet. Offered to come home from work and wanted to be there for me. He says this is something we will do together and he will be there for me every step of the way. It is so utterly sweet and so very welcome. I just want things to be okay.

getting really worried here

I'm losing blood. It's not like normal menstrual blood, it's different. But this is not supposed to happen I think. It's really scary

I called the obstetricians office and she said that that can happen and it doesn't have to mean anything and that I have to wait and see for now. They will call me later (I talked to an assistant) when the obstetrician is back from house calls.

But what if this means somethings wrong? What if this means, you know...that? I know I want this baby SO badly. And all I can do now is wait...

This is weird!

My mum just called from Germany (they are on holiday) to find out if I was feeling any better and it felt SO strange to talk to her and not tell her what is going on!!! In the back of my head all I could hear was 'I'm pregnant mummy, I'm pregnant!!!" Yet, this is something I really really want to tell them face to face and that won't be for another two weeks. :-(

Virtual fun

As I frequent an Internet forum and I'm dying to share my excitement with them this morning I created a post, written from Ozzies perspective and looking for international aunties. I know that some of them are on to me, but it is so much fun to play around like this and to have people guessing!

It looks like we are telling a few people more about this little blessing. Risky maybe, but on the other hand. We've promised ourselves to dive into this adventure, no matter what.
Even if we keep it a secret much longer, the blow won't be any less painful if things do go wrong. And this is such a big part of our lives now. I want everyone to be a part of that!

We're going to my brother in law this weekend. Not too sure how that will go. We only learnt two weeks ago that they have been trying for a baby for over a year now. I can so imagine what they must feel when they hear that we have been trying for three weeks and are already expecting one. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

In the meantime, I'm having some more virtual fun :-)

Who and when?

We're talking about who we are going to tell about our little secret and when.

On the one hand we want to wait until we've told our parents.
On the other hand, in the next two weeks before we see both our parents, there are a few friends we're seeing and it would be so strange to not tell them.
On the other hand, it is still so early days. Is it wise to tell?
On the other hand, I'm dying to tell certain people and share my excitement.

It's all about choices, choices, choices, aaargggghhh!! And there are so many more we need to make in the months to come, it's all a bit overwhelming!

I'm sure we'll make some mistakes. I'm sure people all will have other opinions about what is right/wise and what's not. I'm sure though that what ever WE feel is right, will ultimately be the best choice/decision to make.

This is going to be one hell of a roller coaster ride!!

So surreal

It's all so surreal to realise what we are going through these past 48 hours.

We told our friends C&C yesterday that I'm pregnant (weeeeee!!!) because I just cannot NOT tell someone and they are really close to us and have been there for us so much this past year. They were ecstatic to say the least. Non alcoholic bubbles were popped immediately and it felt so good to be able to talk to them about it, since they are expecting their first in a couple of weeks.

They also told us about all the things we already need to start arranging. Like make an appointment with an obstetrician. I was going like, ok but can't I wait a few weeks with that. Ehrm, apparently not, because it seems we are now going to see one in less than 2 weeks time. Again... Weeeeeeeeee!!!!

And apparently we also already need to think about ultra sound appointment*), maternity care, daycare. Aaaaaarghggghghhghghgh. I really first need to get a grip on the fact that I am actually pregnant. PREGNANT!!!

But I so can't wait to tell my parents. The look on their face! We are going to tell them Easter weekend. I can't bloody wait!!

Update; appointment for first ultra sound also made, check!

Whirl wind

It's been one whirl wind today. Yesterday I'm on my way to the pharmacy to pick up antibiotics and an inhaler to get some air again. Today I'm back at that pharmacy, handing over said meds because I'm not allowed to take them anymore.

Girl behind counter goes, oh congrats on your pregnancy, when are you due?
Me, drawing a total blank, mutters something along the line of 'ehrm, I have no friggin' clue. 24 hours ago I didn't even know I was pregnant. I have no idea when I'm due. Ehrm, sometime early December it seems.'

Than I get congratulations from other people in the store. Even more weird. I mean, THEY now know, but my parents don't even know. There are people now in this world that know I'm pregnant!!

Again, the I and pregnant in the same sentence. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

OMG!!!

Just got back from the doctors and the three tests we have done really seem to be conclusive.... I'M PREGNANT!!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!

We did the tests last night and the first one I thought was bit vague, so I called him at work and only said 'can you come home now!' His reaction 'is this about what I think this is about' Hmmhmmm and 45 minutes later I heard him rushing up the stairs. I made him look first. How many stripes do you see?? Two??? Are you sure???? He raced to the pharmacy to get another test. We did it (well, technically I did, but you get my point) and holy smackerony!! two clear stripes!!!!

I still couldn't believe it. I mean, yesterday at the doctors (I was there initially for something else) I was joking that we had only just put on our running gear to practise for this marathon. And now, I'm freakin' pregnant!! PREGNANT!!! The word 'I and pregnant' in the same sentence still seem so unreal and yet so, SO welcome!!

This baby really, really wants to come into our lives it seems. Because (and forgive the TMI) we can literally count the times we've done it for baby sake on one hand :-)

And it is also still very, very early days. I mean it can't be more than a couple of weeks, considering the other things. Not sure though how much longer I can keep it a secret. This is something we both want so badly. And that I have wanted for such a long time now. To think that it is actually real. I'm really pregnant...

Ssssst!

what happens when you're a person who sucks at keeping secrets...
what happens when you have a secret that you know you just can tell anyone about just yet...
what happens when you feel like you will burst if you don't tell a soul....
what happens when you wish you could scream it from the tallest building

indeed ....

you start a blog!

Can you keep a secret???